I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. I love my body. I can always think of something funny to say. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. Today I was a hero. I release all shame about my body. 34. My body deserves healthy food and exercise, not junk food or laziness. Lily Tomlin, 242. My jokes do. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please., 4. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. 20. Does it count if you say them in your mind? 3. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. Funny Friday Quotes. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 200. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. 116. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. 40 Apology Paragraph For Her To Say Im Sorry, 80 Cute Relationship Quotes For Sweet Couples In Love, 50 Doubt In Relationship Quotes To Rebuild Trust, 75 Sad Broken Relationship Quotes To Fix Your Heartbreak, 70 Relationship Honesty Quotes On Love, Trust & Loyalty, 80 Relationship Sorry Quotes To Apologize To Your Love, 65 Disney Quotes About Family That Will Warm Your Heart, 90 Best Shrek Quotes From The Funny Ogre Movie, 80 Blended Family Quotes To Share With Your Loved Ones, 90 Female Fitness Quotes For Women Who Workout. Short Funny Sayings 47. 13. 39 funny positive affirmations. I did not trip and fall. My mind is becoming much sharper. Best friends eat your food. 199. I get up, dress up, and show up. Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. Gary Delaney, 248. I breathe in and out. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. Friday Affirmations: 20 Affirmations to Wind Down the Week So, why not team them up? 42. Happiness is a choice. The only power you have is the word no. You cant have everything, where would you put it? Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. 6. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. 50 Funny Affirmations for a Daily Dose of Humor - Happier Human I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. 125. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? He who laughs last didnt get it. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 135. - Kyle Chandler. ". I thought you said extra fries. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. I make the right choices every time. Im not insulting you. Youre basically a houseplant with complicated emotions., 11. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. 179. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Breasts dont have eyes. 226. 212. Sincerely, the floor. - Marcus Tullius Cicero. Top 75 Funny Daily Affirmations | Committed To Myself Honolulu, its got everything. "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Every time I like the taste of the food, I am damn sure that its unhealthy for me. Say "Thank You" - A Motivational Video On The Importance Of - YouTube [click_to_tweet tweet=I can always think of something funny to say. quote=I can always think of something funny to say. theme=style4], 2023 Oldtown Publishing LLC 479 State Route 17 N I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. Let me know in the comments section down below! The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Today I was a hero. Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. My mistakes dont define me. I am not only pretty but also pretty awesome, pretty smart, and pretty kind. Bill Murray All rights reserved. 274. Dave Barry. 271. Enjoy! I am lazy till I get a motive. No, but April may. 149. I just go normal from time to time. 2. Using humor can help you bridge the gap and empower you to believe in affirmations and their outcome. Walter Bagehot. 197. I choose to stop obsessing about my body. I like expensive things because I learn the act of taking care from them. 147. 195. We have rounded up the best collection of funny affirmations, quotes, sayings, captions, positive thoughts (with images and pictures) to encourage friends and family to manifest their thoughts into things. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.". The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 169. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. 22. Your brain will only ever optimally respond to positive present tense affirmations such as " I am calm .". Its a door, thats how they work. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. Run. I nourish my body every day. 2. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. Charles M. Schulz. Good morning! 31. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! 41. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. Albert Einstein They log in. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning. 175. 126. I am full of vitality. But you can always be immature. 24. Not everyone has good taste. 270. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. 195. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please. It will have a positive effect on your mind and body, and form an association between affirmations and a happy feeling. 161. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. The only power you have is the word no. 191. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Dont worry about those who talk behind your back, theyre behind you for a reason., See also: The Best List Of 130 People Talk Behind Your Back Quotes. "It's only WednesdayHang in there!". 270. 1. 200+ Funny Life Quotes Dripping With Sarcasm And Wit - Scary Mommy A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. 1. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. 7. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. Why is England the wettest country? There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a small commission of anything you buy. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. Check out our funny affirmation selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. 65. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. It has features that are distinctive and make me who I am. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". Whats the best thing about Switzerland? 147. 256. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Whenever I get back home, I lose all the superpowers that I had when with friends. Everyone wants to talk with me because I am very funny. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. 48. Stuart Turner 127. We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. 90. How do you count cows? 170. Take a dose of encouragement from your positive affirmations whenever youre feeling down. I can create positive change in the world. Albert Einstein If you feel like todays not your day and the best thing would be to stay in bed, Ive got something that will cheer you up. I believe in what's possible for me. "Who you are inside is what helps you make and do everything in life". I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. Im lovely because everyone likes me more than Monday morning!, 7. I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Make it inspiring. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? 30. I dont need excuses, because I never mess things up. 4. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. 242. Walking into a room and then forgetting why I am here is my daily cardio. Alright, get in the basket.. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. 267. 57. 120 Funny/sarcastic affirmations ideas - Pinterest 49. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. But sometimes affirmations may not work. Laughter brings me closer to people. Emphasis on the cool. Never take life seriously. - Irish Saying. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 51. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? 1. 48. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. I am confused between what I like the most hanging out or posting that I hung out. 199. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. I am strong and getting stronger every day. 78. 58. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Im gonna be worse., 12. I didnt fall, Im just spending some quality time with the floor. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 9. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. 70. Laughter keeps us from taking life too seriously, and life certainly does everything it can to ensure that we take it too seriously. "Being funny doesn't take much effort.". 120. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. 61. 27. Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. Is it perfect? Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. 189. 148. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Albert King 1. Youre not tequila., 5. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. "Your mistakes don't define you.". I deserve sugar, spice, and all things nice. 190. Everyone brings happiness to this office. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. I am so worthy so that I am filling the life of people with fun and joy. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. Mind blown! 96. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. No matter what I look like. East. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. 117. Some when they enter, some when they leave. 3. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. Choose words that make you feel confident about yourself. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. 3. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. New year, new me. A backbone. Not me, but somebody does. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? I focus on breathing and grounding myself. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. 5. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? 106. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? It is already tomorrow in Australia.". If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. A gummy bear. 20 Most Powerful Affirmations Because Thoughts Become Things Theres no stopping me now. 128. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. 90. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. 40 Short Positive Affirmations + Free Printable - Dare Your Lifestyle To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. In between, I am alive. Wilson Mizner "Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.". Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? 233. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 222. 21. 72. 26. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. Self-worth has nothing to do with clothing size. happy. 115. Actually, you dont have to imagine. 160. Its scary when it disappears. 214. 70. 143. Learn sign language, its very handy. Being funny seems to be taking less effort. Infographic: Why Do People Swipe Right (or Left) on Tinder. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. Theres life without Facebook and internet? 277. 180. Finding humor in a difficult situation helps me win. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. 88. 237. Why was six scared of seven? 239. My chins are a stairway to heaven. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. 173. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 218. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. 1. 134. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 9. Some people are like clouds. Any text will do. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way., See also: 120 Best Spiritual Universe Quotes To Contemplate Life. It's why you may feel excinervous (aka excited and nervous at the same time). Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. 22. 24. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. 188. 10. No one can make me feel my jokes are bad. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. You can only be young once. 248. Paul Ehrlich, 241. 229. I am lazy till I get a motive. - F. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. Here, we are listing down some awesome funny positive affirmations that will bring out serious positive changes in you. -Gandhi. I thought you said extra fries. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. When life closes a door, just open it again. 101. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 36. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash. My liver still works. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. What is Mozart doing right now? If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. 10. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. You were too lazy to read that number. Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. 144. 45. 7. Short Positive Daily Affirmations. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. Sam Levenson Jackie Collins My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. 63. Learn sign language, its very handy. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. Some when they enter, others when they leave., 2. Steven Wright, 252. 87. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. 171. I train my body. 50. 86. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. Be Funny Positive Affirmations 160. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. I have seen better days, but Ive also seen worse. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. 49. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. Stuart Turner, 247. I'm amusing and people enjoy talking to me. 78. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. Ken Dodd, 255. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. It just plain forms. My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. Short people with an umbrella. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. Positive Daily Affirmations for Women. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. 112. Remember that the effects of affirmations are no laughing matter, so make sure your voice is heard. In the morning, I cant get up. 133. Life always offers you a second chance. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. 6. Those who snore always fall asleep first. 279. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad!