In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. and a lot to it more than the Strip. This isnt a man with an anxiety problem. The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. ), but yes, getting reinforcement on the anxiety (in this case from the friends the husband surveyed) can definitely make things worse. After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. I would think about whether this fits in a pattern of other bad behavior. We arent gamblers either. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. It seems like almost everyone is misreading this update. Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. Its not you I dont trust, its other people.. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. ); (2) You and Marcus could try to pay your own way; or (3) You could commence the sticky process of negotiating a patchwork-payment . And absolutely do not let his anxiety limit your life. It really seems like your husband doesnt trust you, and as AAM said, that is a relationship problem. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! On the flip side however, I do know some couples who havent spent a night apart in 20+ years. If you on a long car ride or your baby simply just doesn't like a car seat you obviously aren't going to stop every 5 or 10 min to take baby out and soothe him so you do it in the car as long as someone else is driving. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). And the concerns mentioned about What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, sin city, dramatic kidnapping scenarios, etc. I agree. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. You are one strong person, and thanks for sharing your story! My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. She should get out while she can, even if she has children. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. In my experience, OP, the best thing you can do to convince him counseling is the answer is to focus on YOU when youre talking to him. Has the OPs spouse ever even BEEN to Vegas? Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. I think you know that all of his fears could happen to you (or be things youd do) wherever you live or any place you travel to. couch their controlling tendencies as worry and concern, because they know their victims will want to soothe and appease them, because they are just super nice worry-wart spouses who just really, truly, are so *concerned*. My husband is a bit more of a homebody than I am, and he very rarely travels for work. i went away for a few days for work, but had some cool stories to come home with. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). Maybe its the way he framed it to his friends, or maybe he wasnt being completely honest about that. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. Her husband is a lovely person in general, but comes from a family that cares very much about keeping up appearances. Either hes got anxiety driving him to act out this way, which can be addressed with talk therapy to learn new coping mechanisms (also, medication is an excellent tool that could help) or, he feels threatened by your success in business and is seeking to sabotage you to keep you in your place. Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship. She should set a boundary around this type of thing because it gets out of hand. Sorry not sorry. (also +1000 to RabbitRabbit for anxiety manifesting as control theyre not necessarily separate). 13 Worst Signs Your Husband is Emotionally Unavailable It sure could be, also its pretty weird that hes getting such a homogenous I would NEVER let my spouse go on a trip to Vegas for their job response from everyone hes discussed this with. That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. Im sorry I love my wife and Ive been to Vegas myself and my wife hasnt traveled that much. I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. Yeah Im trying to tell myself this kind of misconception is the kindest possible explanation. Usluge graevinskih radova niskogradnje. He may be social with neighbors and coworkers, but hes not a friendly guy. My mom has cooled off a bit now that Im almost 40 (!! If this were my husband, Id point out that Im statistically more likely to be murdered by him than by a stranger, therefore its probably safer to be in Vegas than at home. Im going to Vegas and thats the end of discussion. A few years back my older sister went to LV on a business trip with others. Maybe you can rest your husbands anxiety by telling him youll be too busy. In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. I travel for work a lot, and quite often to Vegas people have conventions and meetings in Vegas because (1) the attendees generally like it and (2) there are a lot of hotels and meeting space. Conflict resolution. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. Whats real is my wife is going for a walk in a safe area, shes smart and wouldnt put herself in danger, and the chances of anything happening to her are incredibly low. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Ack. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. Shopping! Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. Possibly the same people who dont think they should ever be in a one-on-one meeting or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Either hes lying, or hes manipulating these conversations so he hears only what he wants, or you guys need saner friends. So its not like its all new. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. One of our Bright Side readers sent us an e-mail pouring her heart out about a tricky situation she's going through. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. I think on a more general level Spouse doesnt want me to go *can* be an actual, non-abusive thing, in certain circumstances (new baby at home for example, or a health crisis or other emergency where Hey, is there ANY way you can get out of this trip? might be a reasonable thing to ask. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe. Thanks for your thoughtful self-awareness. The main drag did not feel dangerous to me at all. Its like Captain Awkward says no matter why youre standing on my foot, you need to stop standing on my foot. He told me one day that the previous weekend, a few months before the upcoming wedding, his fiance broke up with him while they were sitting on the couch watching TV. Hmm. Your wife is doing a normal thing and has given no signs she isnt anything but committed to you. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. In addition to marriage counseling, he or both may want to consider individual counseling as well. Yes. Rooms were kinda cheap, and Im sure the convention center was cheap. So in addition to all his other faults, you then learned that he had asshole friends. I just love when you have the oh you too? moment with strangers on the internet. Is he OK generally and just bad about work trips? She acted like she wasnt married. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. arent at all limited to Vegas. At tax time we make about the same but for my emergency calls its hard to keep up. Im trying not to bring up the topic for awhile till he meets with a counselor individually or together. Telling your partner that you really need to focus on work for three days should not be a big deal (barring really big exacerbating circumstancesI need to focus on work, so Im skipping your mothers funeral, have fun! would be much more fraught, of course). and I was gutted. let has no part of a marriage unless it deeply affects the partner and then people need to work on it together. People understand the environment and are very vigilant about what is going on. My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. They might be mad that they're not invited . I hope some of it is helpful to you in some way. Business trips (and business trips to Las Vegas even) are such a normal part of work life that is is totally bizarre to expect you not to go simply because of the destination. When I moved to a big city to go to grad school, I got ALL KINDS of concern, especially when I started working swing shift and got home at midnight! I just want to comment in support of you and your husband. I do think raising, where you live, and a worldly perception of Vegas play in. But itseems like they want totake things slowly. And in 2 days Im heading east solo for a wedding. Who knows what they actually said, if he asked at all. She worries about me being out alone after dark and it gets dark at 4:30 p.m. in the winter here. Its hard enough to be a single lady without constantly watching single ladies being attacked!! Dont try to rationally argue with him; much like a toddler, he isnt thinking rationally and it will get you nowhere. And he, I think, talked that out with a therapist eventually. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). He can see how boring Vegas really is. Most of them suffer from anxiety and sensory issues so they think Vegas sounds terrible in practice. Its absolutely true, and she gets so. So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. My husband and I went for our honeymoon, we had so much fun just walking through all of the hotels and people-watching, plus saw some really great shows. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). Did he not get the memo thats not how dating works. I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. Oh, and I think I gambled about $20 on nickel slots. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. When people ask me why, I reply that I dont drink, gamble, or enjoy naked women, so theres little to attract me there aside from some pretty good food, which I can get anywhere. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. If he was just bummed to be at home alone while shes gone, or something. People watching! So yeah, this isnt something that everyone feels, nor is it reasonable. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. Tell your husband to get a grip, and then yes, get some counseling to get over this anxiety. We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. We are driving 18 hours to get to my family reunion with our 2 year old and 3 month old (at the time). Obviously we will have to stop every few hours to feed her. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. People in my family are prone to anxiety disorders manifesting themselves in this way (including me, yay! Where I was originally from in Ohio, there are schools that dont have proms because dancing is considered a vice, and thus shouldnt be promoted by a school. Hed probably drive her nuts the entire trip monitoring when she comes and goes, trying to veto business dinners with her colleagues, calling her if shes a minute later than she said shed beAnd if youre working the conference, its exhausting and theres not really a lot of time to explore. I wanted to get tickets for a show, but it was sold out. Reading it again, its a bit confusing, but I still think the husbands friends arent agreeing with him. It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. But he is controlling. Theres some merit to this and the What happens in Vegas thing. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. Forbidding is a different story). Thanks. I lived in Ottawa, our nations capital and it all suburbs and boring. It really sounds like your husband is trying to control you. But he needs to sit down, fix a drink (I prefer Earl Grey, YMMV), and look at his actions and the state of his marriage. Adifficult orstressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. Super reasonable! OP, I want to add a data point to counter his everyone agrees with me! comment. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. She keeps asking us (no matter how many times we decline) if we need her to buy us Amazon Fresh groceries. I am actually going there next week. Collect them from travel agents and show it to your husband, wife or partner. Life is short. I agree with this- even if she were able to somehow get out of the trip without professional repercussions, Im quite sure he would find something else to stress about and restrict her from owing to these kinds of irrational fears. I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. I worry about things constantly. I dont think its either/or, necessarily. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. We both very quickly realized its quite safe, and a really interesting place to be, in a good sense. I only left the conference hotel a couple of times, always with a group, and we were in the touristy area right next to the Gaslamp district anyway. Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it. Okay. He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. I agree with Allison I think marriage counseling may be a good think to look into. It is in some Nevada counties, but not Clark County (which includes Vegas.) Im certain he is imagining some lawless back alley den of sin. Would he demand she quit? I stayed once at Palms Place, the long-term stay part of the Palms that is set up like studio apartments with full kitchens. Las Vegas hotels have cameras everywhere. Therapy is really personal, and a bad fit or burnt-out therapist can be worse than no therapist at all. Oh sure, but thats why I specified business-class rooms, as in the 3.5 or 4-star Hilton/Hyatt/W Hotel, since those are the types of hotels that have attached conference/convention facilities and host large conferences. I have one. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. I dont think anyone is acting like they havent heard the reputation, were just saying its silly and outdated. Me: What did you say? You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. Figure you stop as often as baby feeds (which is every 3 hours for us.) husband doesn t want to go on family vacation We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). Its a very highly policed city. By contrast, I spent a week this summer at a conference in a not-doing-so-well midwestern city. It is NOT his choice whether you go! And to the people who says its HIS problem, not HERS Im of a view that when you say I Do, His and Hers becomes OUR, it becomes US. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. You know you can go to Vegas and have fun and not be kidnapped or drugged. The only sides are you both addressing a bad frame of reference that your spouse has. Roppongi it is! Updated on July 08, 2011. Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. Honestly, Vegas is what you make it, and its different things for different people. Agreed. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. It will also be a lot easier with a hotel stop overnight; we did not do this, but it still wasn't difficult. That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. Dude she failed to mention that she hid pictures of her with mail strippers and lied about it and when I seen what pictures she showed me she dressed up better than she ever dresses at home. Couldnt she spend the weekend elsewhere? And myhusband answered, Ididnt want tobring her, but she insisted.Ibooked aticket and went home onthe next plane out. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? But they definitely need marriage counseling. If you think Im the type of person who would cheat well Im not interested in spending time with you because you seem to have a pretty horrible opinion of me. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. Sounds like this husband needs to identify exactly what he is afraid ofI highly doubt that both his wife cheating and her getting kidnapped are equal fears because they stem from different insecurities, but hey, maybe hes insecure about everything. Excuse me? You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. Her explanation was that she knew that the sun set around 4:15ish at that time of year and it was dark outside, therefore I should be inside. They go out of their way to watch everyone. LOL! And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. pathfinder: wrath of the righteous ending slides. If this isreally about more than the fear of cheating, it sounds like there arepretty serious anxiety issues in play here.